As a writer, I’ve learnt over the years to write down that random thought, to take that random photo, even when I don’t understand it, or see a reason for it. Because experience has taught me (with hindsight) the feeling of regret when the understanding or the reason comes later, but it’s incomplete because I didn’t listen to and act on the initial prompt.

And now as I sort out all the notes in my phone …. like pieces in a jig saw puzzle, I am connecting two separate pieces I’d forgotten about, written just over 12 months apart.

Written on 30/07/2017:
I never realised that in feeling that my verbal words weren’t valid or of value, that this also translated to my writing, and my perception that my written words were not valid or of any value. And as a result, slowly . . . but surely, I was being silenced, by my own misperceptions of self.

For all the years of regret I held on to.
For not speaking up to defend myself.
For not speaking up when I should have, or could have.
For realising after the fact that in that moment I should have said, could have said . . . but at the time the words weren’t there.
For not being able to articulate my thoughts into words, that I could then push them out past my teeth.
For at times not even having any actual thoughts in the first place, but instead left with an awkward blank canvas inside my head.
For being too fearful to challenge comments and judgements spoken to me, by those in authority, those who intimidate me, or that I’m intimidated by. (There’s a difference there.)
For my own internal struggle about the discrepancy between my speaking ability & my writing ability. Perception and reality.

We believe what we perceive,

because our perception is our reality,

but it’s not always the truth.

When I write, I get to tweak it as many times as I like before I post it.
But when I speak, the ‘post’ is immediate. The words are out! There is no ‘tweaking’ to then speak as though speaking for the first time.
So while you may perceive me as articulate,
It’s more likely I’m feeling ridiculous.
And whether you believe me or not,
I’m telling the truth, this is my lot.

Created on 15/08/2018:
A creative workshop run by my church, led by Rachel and Bronwyn. My inspiration diminishes under pressure, and so at this event all I got was a single word: ‘Wordthy!’ A mish mash of: Your words are worthy!

Then followed some other words:

perfectly imperfect: my words don’t have to be perfect before I write them down.

Silent voice heard on paper: for those words that I never speak out, but I write them, because that’s the only way to get them out.

Vulnerability: because it is about being vulnerable.

Expose:  It is totally! To be uncovered. To reveal the true.

Trust God: that the process of writing is first and foremost (but not only), for my benefit.

The healing pen: indeed it has been, still is, and continues to be!

Then in the middle of that night, unable to sleep, I wrote this:

Wordthy!
Your words are worthy

Worthy of being spoken.
Worthy of being read.
Worthy of being written.
in more than erasable lead.

Worthy of being heard.
Worthy of being spread.
For future generations.
To catch, even after ya’ dead.

My two favourite lines are:
‘in more than erasable lead’
because our words (both negative and positive) are powerful to pull down or to build up. It makes me think about all the negative words spoken over me that became like that of permanent ink. But why then is it that so many positive words spoken over me seem to have been quickly forgotten as though erased from the page that is my day? And so I’m working to ensure that my own words are ‘wordthy’ of being scribed ‘in more than erasable lead.’

‘To catch, even after ya’ dead’
I think of all the famous quotes and inspirational speeches, that were spoken by those now passed. I am one person of their future generations.
So I challenge myself, are my words ‘wordthy’ of being spread, to the future generations, even afta I’m dead?