We all have fears to varying degrees and for varying reasons. Some are real and justified, others are based in our perception. But when fear stops us from living and loving life in the way we would like to, then I believe it’s in our best interest to confront it.
And so I start with the challenge here:
Never let the fear of ______________
Keep you from __________________
What game (aspect of life) is fear stopping you from playing?
In the same way succesful athletes use tactical skills (strategic mental abilities) to win games and competitions, so too fear has its own tactical skills that it uses in the negative effect on our mental abilities.
That’s why I call fear a ‘game player’ . . . because it plays the game of ‘scare tactics’ in an attempt to keep us from our best game.
In each of our situations, we are the only one who can decide when we will make the choice to stand in the face of fear, and decide that it is time to get out on the ‘field’ . . . pick up that ‘bat’ . . . and give it our best shot!
Speaking for myself . . . my ‘bat’ is my ‘pen’ as I’ve not been ‘pen’ ing as much as I’d like to.
It was back in March earlier this year while at a client’s home working as a cleaner that I had a moment of reflection. On this particular day, I had noticed a load of clothes still in the washing machine. While my usual duties are only to fold and put away when dry, I decided to hang this wet load out anyway. It was while hanging out the washing, that I remembered a thought, a prayer, from a few days earlier …. thinking and praying about if and when a time would come where I would once again stand outside in my own backyard, with the warmth of the sun beaming down on my back, while hanging my clothes out on a real clothesline.
For the last 8 years I have lived in apartment buildings without a clothes line. So when it came to drying my clothes it was either inside looking like a Chinese laundry, on a clothes horse outside on my small undercover balcony, or in a tumble dryer at the local laundromat. It’s a small thing, a very random thing to have a hankering for, but that’s how it was.
Now on this day while working at my client’s home, I realised that day had come. While they weren’t my clothes on my line, in my backyard, it still felt unbelievably great to enjoy the activity of hanging out the washing.
While I appreciated it for the opportunity, moreso because it reaffirmed my thoughts and prayers are heard from above, I wondered was this the fullness of that, or was this just the beginning of more to come? This was the ‘spark of hope’ for more . . .
As the saying goes: An attitude of gratitude determines your altitude.
Who knew … that just 4 months later, I would make the tree change move, from city to country, into a stand alone unit, with my own frontyard, driveway, and backyard, including my very own clothesline – albeit a small one.
Due to all the rain, my clothesline was only a thing to admire from my kitchen window while doing the dishes. But I knew the day would come, sooner or later, when I would have the right weather to use it. So I did as much as I could to be ready for THAT day. I had a friend tighten the line, I de-cobwebbed and wiped it down, and put a table off to the side, ready to put my washing basket on. It was ready for use . . . now I just needed the right weather.
And that day finally arrived …. a month ago now …. and it was awesome, for the fullness of the experience (and all those to come), but mostly to be able to reflect back on the journey of how far my thoughts, my prayers, had come.
What thoughts are you thinking?
What prayers are you praying?
Be they positive or negative, they influence your journey with variable impact, and resulting effect.
It’s just a thought . . . and maybe something to think about . . .
Some years back now, somewhere on my journey of managing and navigating a diagnosis of depression, I came across an @ and an & in wood, painted white just like these ones sitting on a shelf in an Op Shop. (I’ve just bought and painted these to replace their weather damaged predescessors). At the time of the initial purchase, I knew immediately what they were both about! They were a team, a duo, a double whammy, to become tools in my toolbox of mental health resources as they spoke to me with:
” Where are you @ ,
& What are you doing about it? “
These became like a self-care check point as part of my balcony garden. Not only was it a check point, but it was also a challenge to take responsibility for where I was @ in that moment, & to take action to make any necessary changes. I think it was also a gentle reminder that where I was @ was not the end of the sentence (or my life itself), but merely a comma, a pause, time to think and then consider the next part of the question. Sometimes that meant getting up right there and then to do something creative to change my head space, going for a walk, or whatever task I could pick to create the shift. Other times it meant asserting a boundary with someone. Nowadays it’s more about celebrating where I am @ & ensuring I’m doing what I need to do to stay on track. Either way, wherever I am @, I am the only one that can do something about that for me.
Put the @ and the & together and you get:’@&” or ‘atand’ . . . and a word comes to mind: Atacand. It’s from my nursing background. It’s a medication used in the treatment of high blood pressure and heart failure, also called Candesartan. You may or may not know it? You may even be on it?
For me, I believe my diagnosis of depression stemmed from a heart issue. Not my physical heart, but my emotional heart. And so it is no surprise to me, that I find myself here connecting my @ and my & with a word that is indeed medication for issues of the heart.
The analysis continues as my mind pulls the word ‘Atacand’ apart: between the ‘at and the ‘and’ we have two letters: ‘ac’. Knowing the way in which my brain pulls things apart to analyse, to see if there’s any meaning in the smallest of details, I wonder where will this one lead? My first thought is probably the same as yours – ‘air con’ but I decided to google ‘ac’ just to see and I was reminded of ‘alternating current’ – a type of electrical current in which the current repeatedly changes direction.
How true it is:
That my @ and my & are like a current repeatedly changing direction.
Where I am @ can determine what I am doing.
& What I am doing can determine where I am @
So it’s equally important to monoitor both ends of the current.
For some unknown reason, after arriving home having parked in my carport, I often find myself sitting in my car scrolling through my phone, or just staring out my windscreen. I think maybe it’s the feeling of warmth within that enclosed space of my car that holds me there (me being the cold ‘bod’ that I am), I don’t know. But in recent weeks, I have found it to be a space where stories begin. And that’s how this story came about . . .
As I sat in my car, staring out through my windscreen across my driveway at the pencil pine tree that stands opposite my car space, this is what I saw:
And for all the times I’ve sat and stared at this space, today was the first time I actually saw what I was staring at. A smaller ivy like plant has sprouted, and with its large leaves has connected with and started intertwining amongst the much bigger pencil pine. And I ‘felt’ the words:
“Those you stand closely beside, you ultimately grow and intertwine with.”
And I was reminded of something I once read about how our brain chemistry literally changes based on our interactions. And I thought again of the importance of making sure our key connections are with people who result in positive ‘brain changes’ for us, which then ultimately impacts our mental health. This in turn is an influence on our choices for who we are as a whole being which in turn then impacts our life and potentially our overall health.
I found myself intrigued by the large green leaves of Ivy and how they have woven in amongst the branches and spindle like needles of Pencil Pine. And my thoughts went to that of a Christmas tree with Ivy being like a decoration on Pencil Pine.
And again the analogy grew, not that our connections should ‘decorate us’ but I think in some ways the healthy ones do exactly that, as they bring out the best in us, making us shine as better versions of ourselves.
So here we have two healthy plants growing alongside each other, so closely side by side, that one was now growing into the other. But then I noticed some areas of darker growth on Pencil Pine lower down at the base. Getting out of my car to check it out up close, I noticed there is quite a bit of dead undergrowth.
And so the anology continued to grow . . . while our connections may look healthy on the surface, what about those hidden parts? Is there dead (or dying) growth at the foundation?
In any and every relational connection, whether I’m Ivy or Pencil Pine (or anywhere in between) I continue to challenge myself as to:
Who am I ‘intertwining with? Who am I ‘attaching’ myself to? Who is ‘attaching’ themselves to me? Is it healthy? Is it in line with brain chemistry changes that will benefit me, and also benefit them?
And so, especially in this time when connection is limited and yet so vitally important, I encourage you to consider your own connections and to pursue those that benefit your mental health. Those that result in supporting and developing a better version of you, and the ‘you’ that you seek to be.
Yesterday while out getting some groceries, I stopped to support my local (and my hunger) in buying a chai and a muffin for breakfast.
In looking for a place to rest my chai so I could enjoy that muffin, before continuing on with my grocery shopping, I eventually found an empty bench seat. But on such a nice, warm, sunny day, my bench seat, the only one I could find space on, was in the shade. So I stood eating, while staring out across the road at the sunshine on the other side of the street, wishing there was a seat over there, or even just a ledge to put my cup on, so that I could stand in the sun, rather than just look at it.
As I bent down to pick up my chai for a drink, I noticed a lady (maybe in her 70’s) had sat down on ‘my bench’, with the seat of her 4 wheel walker carrying a couple of grocery bags.
So I said “Hello” and started a conversation. In just a few minutes I learnt that this was the first time out of her house in 2 months. She lives alone & didn’t know about the ‘bubble buddy’ system. Now she does.
I asked her how she’s been filling her days: She loves to play cards and board games, but of course she has noone to play them with. So she plays a lot of patience.
She’s recently finished chemotherapy treatment and is now in remission. That’s why she took a seat – to rest for a breather (as the chemo has resulted in some heart failure), before continuing on to the train station.
I’m now so very thankful that I couldn’t find a seat in the sun, because I believe this seat in the shade on the way to the train station was meant for ‘Nola’ and I to share those minutes of connection. That I would have the opportunity to chat with her, encourage her, and bless her as she went on her way. In the days to come I hope she sits back with her much loved cup of tea, and reflects on our conversation.
My high school motto was ‘carpe diem’ (seize the day).
In these days especially: I’m lookingtosee the opportunity, and seize it. Because I’m blessed to be a blessing!
Sometimes we don’t get what we wanted. Because if we did, then someone else wouldn’t get what they needed.
Christmas has been a long time coming . . . and while I don’t usually have a Christmas tree, I do have a ceramic nativity set I painted as a project with two friends, some 25 years ago.
But for a couple of months now, I’ve had the idea that I would like something resembling the symbol of a Christmas tree, but with more of a rustic feel: I like the idea of a tree branch to stand decorated in one corner of my lounge room.
So I asked around a couple of friends, and was told of some public land I could explore for a little ‘seek and may you find’ adventure. So that was my Sunday afternoon adventure a couple of weeks ago . . . at the end of a winding road, with only a couple of houses, I pulled up at a locked gate, accessing the public property by carefully sliding between the locked gate and what looked like an electric fence.
Walking along the track, scanning the area for a suitable branch, I came a cross a tree with some fallen branches, some still attached to the tree, others completely broken free. After careful inspection for undesired company, I pulled on the end of one branch, separating it out from the other fallen branches and all their dead foliage. This would be the piece!
After trimming the branch of all its dead foliage and many of its finer twigs in order to remove the excess, I carried it to the car. Should I paint it silver? No, on closer inspection I like the colouring of the wood in its reds and browns and even some black areas, as if it’s been struck by fire at some time, but it all adds to the overall look.
And so we have the Christmas branch:
In thinking of a tree, every branch has its own ‘reach’ out from the trunk, be it primarily so, or secondary, via another branch. A branch only has the reach that it has by way of its growth and the strength with which it extends out from the trunk. While much of the tree was still standing, some of those branches that had fallen (like this one) were completely separate from the trunk, while others though fallen, were still attached to the trunk. And just like this piece I bought home, some branches are still marked by fires experienced in years past.
This year of 2020 and Covid19 has been like that of a ‘through the fire’ experience for all of us in different ways, but some more significantly so than others. And not forgetting or diminishing the actual fires that devastated so many towns just prior to what ‘they’ call a pandemic, 2020 is one we won’t forget.
So in this Christmas season, but at any time really, I encourage us all to consider : Where are we on the tree? Are we still strong and attached? Or are we still just barely hanging on to some degree? Or maybe we are one of the fallen, completely separated from the trunk?
If you are somehow ‘faliing’ or ‘fallen’ and needing to reach up to someone, make the reach that you can, where you can, however you can. Seek to find your trunk again. Whether that’s by reconnecting back in to a space or a place you were, or in finding a new space and place of connection. But don’t let disconnection be the thing that blocks you from moving forward to discovering your next adventure.
My fallen tree branch is now a Christmas branch, so what more for you? Just because you disconnected, doesn’t mean it’s all over!
If you are one that is still strong and attached to the trunk, then I encourage us to consider the extent of our reach out to those who may be in need. Those whose shadow we are under, those we shadow over, and wherever else we have the ability to reach. What do we have to reach out with? (without over extending ourselves financially or emotionally, how can we reach out beyond ourselves, to look out for another?) Who can we reach out to? (that our words and actions might have influence for both good and God.)
Don’t breach your reach (but with the capacity that you have, do something) But reach your preach! (that you would encourage and bless someone in need)
As I contemplated about what to share today, I had no idea other than to look through some of those analogies sitting in a folder on my laptop that I have not yet posted. But first it’s time for breakfast, and in making the decision to have it in my local cafe (as opposed to my original plan of take away), I spent that time replying to a message from a friend.
As the music played in the background, along with the muffled sounds of cafe activity as breakfast preparations were going on, and the sound of the coffee machine doing its thing, I was deep in thought with our conversation back and forth via sms, as I wrote about my current feelings of ‘indecision.’ The result of that conversation led me here . . .
Indecision is a % ! * & # ! When you don’t know what to do, because you want to do it right, but you can’t decide which is the right way to go with it, and so you don’t do anything. But to not do anything is in itself, a decision. And at the root of that indecisive decision is fear. I know it well. Fear of so many things, but ultimately fear of failing at what I set out to do. And yet, to stay in that place of indecision, is in itself setting myself up for the very thing that I fear: to fail.
Obviously, I don’t know what your battle is with, but for me it’s a lack of belief in myself to be able to do it, to be able to learn it, to be able to remember it, and ultimately to be able to know it and retain it for future reference. Then if I overcome all of that, what if it doesn’t work? What if it doesn’t go anywhere? What if I invested all that money, time and effort for nothing? And so I don’t do any of it. Or maybe I might start, but then I’m not consistent enough in order to see the results I hope to see come to pass. And so I self-sabotage, thereby ensuring my efforts fail . . . and it all becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, that what I’ve already invested was indeed a waste of money, time and effort. OMG ! ! ! Isn’t that all very discouraging and depressing ! ! ! Or as I learnt while living in Uganda Africa:
. . . and so the word that keeps coming to mind over the last couple of days through prayer and meditation is this: ENOUGH !
I am ENOUGH! As a woman of faith: God is ENOUGH! So ENOUGH of doubting, procrastinating, and anything else that holds me back. It’s time for ‘doubting Thomasina’ to move out. It’s time to recognise FEAR for what it is: False Evidence Appearing Real. It’s time to stop FEAR ruling my decisions as it convinces me to Flick Everything And Run. It’s time to stand up and back myself first, believing that it is (and I am) worth the money, time and effort to at least see what happens when I give it my best shot.
In my pursuit to Face Everything And . . . there are so many amazing ‘R’ words to encourage and inspire me in to action so that I can see what might happen when I Face Everything And Run with (not away from) what I have in mind to do . . . And in doing so: FEAR becomes an acronym for:
Face Everything And Release (the power of indecision). Face Everything And Realise (the potential within). Face Everything And Recognise (the achievements). Face Everything And Reveal (endless possibilities). Face Everything And Rise (to each challenge). Face Everything And Reign (over fear itself). Face Everything And Rejoice (in success, whatever that may look like).
For me specifically, I like that as part of my journey in pursuing my ‘crafts’ in writing and essential oils, that list of ‘R’s also extends to include: Face Everything And Rehabilitate Face Everything And Repair Face Everything And Restore . . . each of which has already been evident in my own life and expressed in feedback from many of my readers and also my clients. That is the (Face Everything And) Reason why I initially started on this journey . . . because I saw the (Face Everything And) Results that it bought forth in my own life, that I then believed by sharing my story, my knowledge, and my experience, that it could also move beyond myself, to helping others.
So be encouraged, whatever it is that you FEAR to do:
Just do it!
And one more thought, even better still:
Faith it! as you Face it! Because I’ve heard it said: the opposite of faith is not doubt or unbelief, but in fact fear!
And with that comes another thought . . . while I was never a fan of George Michael, I did like his song ‘Faith’ released in 1987. While the song and video clip obviously have nothing to do with faith in God, as I read the lyrics and listen to the words, it’s a step back in time. But for the purpose of this analogy, I think ‘Baby’ that he refers to here, can be interpreted as being fear itself in physical form.
Here’s an extract of the words from the original lyrics:
Well, I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body I know not everybody has a body like you But I gotta think twice before I give my heart away And I know all the games you play because I played them too.
Oh, but I need some time off from that emotion Time to pick my heart up off the floor Oh, when that love comes down without devotion Well, it takes a strong man baby But I’m showin’ you the door.
Cause I gotta have faith I gotta have faith Because I gotta have faith, faith, faith I got to have faith, faith, faith.
Baby, I know you’re askin’ me to stay Say “Please, please, please don’t go away” You say I’m givin’ you the blues Maybe you mean every word you say Can’t help but think of yesterday And another who tied me down to loverboy rules.
Before this river becomes an ocean Before you throw my heart back on the floor Oh, baby, I reconsider my foolish notion Well, I need someone to hold me but I’ll wait for something more.
I’ll just have to wait Because I’ve gotta have faith I gotta have faith I’ve got to, got to, got to have faith
There is definitely no other body like that of fear, and many of us have our hands all over it, or rather fear has its hands all over us. And still we think twice (or not at all) before giving our heart away to it. Even though we know its tactical games, we can still find ourselves falling in to join with fear in its pursuit to pull us down.
There is no love or devotion in fear, thus the need of time off from its emotion, to be able to pick our heart up off the floor from where fear threw it. But fear doesn’t let go easily, of course it wants us to stay by its side, even though it’s giving us the blues, making us believe every word it says, as it reminds us of yesterday. And yet we allow it to tie us down in all its limiting rules. We sleep with fear like it’s the love of our life, when really it shouldn’t even be a fling. All of that is reason enough as to why we really do need to be strong, and show fear the door.
If we allow it, fear that started as a river then grows to become an ocean, throwing our heart back on the floor (even deeper, crashing us under what started as a trickle has now become waves), UNLESS we reconsider the foolish notion of fear, and in refusing to hold on to it, choose to wait as we push through fear, for (that) something more. As we seek the faith that we want and desire to have, and actually need to have, in our pursuit for something more, sometimes it’s a matter of repeatedly and emphatically saying the words out loud: “I got to have faith!” in order to remind ourselves to persistently pursue that faith and what we desire to see.
In the video clip George is wearing a black leather jacket with ‘Revenge‘ (in white) on the back. So it stands as a matter of black and white (haha), obvious for all to see, except (in the case of fear) sometimes for ourselves. But as you read above, now knowing all that fear holds us back from, how is it we can still stand so closely by its side? I think we could do with taking some REVENGE on fear and all that we allow it to stop us from accomplishing in life. So . . .
In following on from last week’s story by my young friend Camila Miranda (if you haven’t already, check it out), because while I don’t claim to know anything about the psychology of children’s minds, I found this conversation that followed, very enlightening into her thinking and processing of this current time declared as a pandemic.
In talking to Camila about her story and how it came to be she explained it like this: “A lot of movies are about going on a mission, so this would also be a story about going on a mission.”
When I asked her how each of her characters came to be who they are, she replied with this:
The bear in the cave featured because of a movie she watched about bears hiding a crystal ball (that held the control of the water supply) in a cave. And the ‘magic note’ was just an idea that she used as the messenger who had known the world before it lost its emotions and colours.
When it came to asking how she came up with the storyline, she seemed a bit coy and couldn’t answer, so I ‘broke the ice’ with “It reminds me of now and how things are with the corona virus.” She smiled sheepishly. I asked her who would the bear be? She replied: “The virus.” And if each of the characters are people, then who would she like to be? Camila replied: “I would like to be Honey Flower distracting the bear with my pot of delicious honey so people can find their emotions and colour again.” And how would you do this? I asked her. “By helping people to know the right thing to do.” she answered.
I love her characters and their various roles. And so this is what I came away with: Daisy the Flower was the leader who reached for the ‘magic note’ and took up the challenge. We all need a ‘magic note’, to remind us how things used to be, what we need to get back, and to warn us if they see any traps involved in the process. Then we all need friends that we can call on, who will journey with us on our mission. Just like Daisy the Flower and her friends, we need to be careful of the traps, but not be afraid of the dark. Grab a torch and shine a light into it, and see what you find . . . Use your gifts: if you’re a torch, be a torch. If you make delicious honey, then make delicious honey. Raspberry Tree was the rescuer! Be a rescuer (so long as you’re fit and healthy for the task), because at some point in life, we all need to be rescued. While Raspberry Tree rescued Emotion Rock knowing its purpose to restore emotions and colours to the world, we don’t always know the purpose of the person that we rescue from their cave, whatever that looks like. But in my experience, wherever there’s a rescue story, there’s a comeback story to follow. What a comeback story for Emotion Rock and its purpose!
In reading how Daisy reached, Honey Flower set the scent of the environment, Yellow Hairy Torch shone, and Raspberry Tree rescued . . .it kind of reads like 1 Corinthians Chapter 3 Verse 6, that we all have our own part to play in life. And in Camila’s story, it was because of each other that they each got to play the parts that they did in the rescue of Emotion Rock.
And then the story concludes with friends experiencing the joy of spreading all the emotions and colours of Emotion Rock around. I’m thinking that moment would look like (and feel like) everyone in a ‘colour explosion’ fundraiser fun run.
But wait! There’s more . . .
While I was busy capturing her words, young Camila presented me with another picture she had drawn on a post it note as we were talking. When I asked her to tell me about it she said it is a rainbow tornado. When I asked her to tell me more, she said: “Well it started out as a rainbow cup, but then it didn’t really work, and so I started doing this bit going around and around (the black at the mouth of the cup) and then it became a tornado taking all the colours out of the world!”
Same same (message), but different. Again, I find it interesting that she started out drawing something that we fill, only to feel that it wasn’t working out, so it became something that takes away as it destroys. Something that was going to add to the colour in our world, became the theft of colour from our world.
Isn’t this how many are feeling in regards to this year of 2020? A year with so much promise of what we would put into it, a year of vision, 2020 vision, only to see none of it working out, to becoming something that has taken away so much in its path of destruction, leaving many of us feeling void of our emotions and colours.
Two stories: Choosing to do something, an element of taking control. OR Total chaos and destruction Completely out of control.
But not wanting to finish on such a gloomy note. Here’s a few thoughts I’ve considered: 1) Could it be that this year has been one of bringing 2020 vision, just not in the way that we thought it would? And for all its devastating losses, maybe the reason as to why (which we may never know), is still completely unclear, because we’re not yet in a place (on the other side of it) to be able to see it with the perspective of true 20/20 vision yet. 2) Using what we have within us, how can we each be one of Camila’s story characters in someone’s day? Through reaching out, joining with on a mission, to pack some supplies, to shine a light in a cave, to sweeten a ‘sad and grey’ day, to help someone come out of their cave, that they might rediscover emotions and colours they once knew. 3) And last of all, in as much as is possible, to be one that does what we can to flip someone’s rainbow torpedo upside down, but right side up, to that of a rainbow cup. That our words and actions would be like bursts of colour in someone’s world.
I love this story by a friend’s daughter: Miss 7. It is the result of our hanging out under iso restrictions, by way of a weekly walk for an hour of exercise. We started this idea of finding 5 things that fit into a small box, to then create a story out of them. NB: in editing Miss 7’s story, it was an insightful lesson for me as to how my own editors might feel when I as an author want to keep a sentence a certain way, but they see a better way. So through the process of discussion, I was allowed to expand (a word here and there) on the original story for the purpose of clarifying context, thereby making it an easier read. And then so as to honour the way Miss 7 wanted her story to be read, I had to put aside my own OCD-ness (and as my editors do with me) love that she is comfortable enough to be able to say: “No, I want to leave it like that.” And so I did. Here’s her story . . . .
Problem: They have to find Emotion Rock Solution: If they find the rock the world would feel emotions. Setting: cave, woods. Characters: Raspberry Tree, Daisy the Flower, Emotion Rock, Yellow Hairy Torch, and Honey Flower.
Once upon a time there was a mad world with no emotions and colours. People were sad and grey, which was not good.
One day Daisy the Flower was walking down the hill and caught a magic note flying around the air and it said out loud: “You need to go on a mission to make the world happy and with colours, but you need back up. So you need to find Emotion Rock. It is in the one and only cave, but be careful because there are traps. Do you want to save the world?”
So Daisy the Flower went to get her friends Raspberry Tree and Honey Flower as her back up to go on the mission. They packed some supplies and began their mission. Then they walked through the forest and found the deep dark cave. Daisy the Flower took Yellow Hairy Torch and they all looked around the deep dark cave. But they had to be careful because just as the magic note had said, there were a lot of traps.
Then they saw Emotion Rock and it was beautiful, but there was a giant bear lying between them. But he was sleeping. So Honey Flower distracted the giant bear with a pot of her delicious honey, and he continued to sleep (as the pot of honey sat by his nose), licking his lips dreaming he was eating it. This gave Raspberry Tree the time needed to get Emotion Rock and then get out of the cave.
Then they spread all the emotions and colours of Emotion Rock around the world. The world was happy and with colours for one more time.
The End !
Check out next week’s post to read about the conversation I had with Camila as we explored her ideas behind her story, and what that revealed . . .