A raw conversation with God.


It is 9am on Sunday the 20th of May after the Adore Conference.  

In reflection . . . one of the guest speakers had said something just before her message, and it struck a chord with me.  I can’t remember exactly what she said, but it was a single line to the tune of “some of you are disappointed in God . . . “

Then this morning I was struggling, and yet I didn’t want to rehash it with God yet again . . . but apparently He did, cause then He said to me “Let’s go over it again.  Talk to me about what you’re feeling, today, now, in this moment.”  and so this is the walk He took me on . . .  

Because I can’t always articulate my words well, let alone remember what I say, it was a conversation I recorded (in about 5 separate recordings) stopping at times to work out my feelings, and how to verbalise them.  But I didn’t want to forget what God would say to me.  And ultimately I guess I had already figured it might be something I’d share . . . in the hope of helping someone else.  So while there was no audible voice (other than my own), I believe those little ‘thought bubbles of revelation’ (in red) that had not previously occurred to me (either at all or in full), were those from a higher place.  

“God, in regards to my hysterectomy, for 10 years and then 5 more years after that, I believed that You would heal me.  But then You didn’t come through.  I was anaemic, I had been on 6 months of iron injections, and was finally put on that drug Tranexamic Acid to slow down my haemorrhaging, while I waited for my surgery date.  I went through various consults in preparation for surgery.  While I wasn’t forced in to anything, at the same time I believed those words:  “You have no choice. Surgery is your only option.  All you have to do is sign the paperwork, then it will all happen from there.”

And so I followed through with having the surgery.  It all came together so quickly.  A connection that got me in to see a top specialist, a cancellation that got me into surgery weeks earlier than expected, and so even then, You were with me in the preparation.  But at the same time in some ways, it’s like the enemy used that opportunity for his plan of my demise, to derail my faith.

Somehow, I didn’t realise that in having surgery I was ‘choosing’ what I didn’t want, and how that would affect my faith, expose some lifelong wounds, and thereafter lead me on a path of wrong decisions as a result of my disappointment that You didn’t heal me.  Because what I really wanted was to receive what I had been believing for.  I had believed for 15 years that You would heal me.  That’s a long time of believing, and a whole lot of hoping . . . lost . . .

For so long God, I’ve wrestled with the woman with the issue of blood.  And that whole question of why You healed her?  But You didn’t heal me?  I think back to how it might have been for her.  She didn’t have the option of surgery; she had spent all her money and tried everything available to her.  She didn’t have any other option.  She had exhausted all her other options.  Then You came to town, and You healed her.  But why not me?  If you could do it for her, why not for me?

You know it, I struggle with some of the words in the songs that we sing at church, that I sing at home: of how You’ll never fail me, that “You’re never gonna let me down.” And even though I sing the words, there’s a voice in my head that reminds me that you did fail me, that you did let me down.  So it seems like it’s all lies, and I’m supporting those lies by singing the words to the songs, despite my experience.  And so I cry my way through those songs, because I know what the Bible says, and I know what I want to believe, but my experience tells a different story.  So I sing the words to those songs, in spite of everything, hoping You’ll somehow prove me wrong!   

And yet today, now I see maybe I failed myself in that sense. Maybe I let myself down?  In that instance when those words were spoken to me: “You have no other choice. . .” I lost hope in the other choice that I did have, the choice that I really wanted, but I didn’t see that as still an option.  So yes, I got my healing, but just not in the way I had hoped.  But that was everything to do with my choice, my free will to make a decision, than it was to do with You.  I fell on the ‘train’ of forward motion, and it didn’t ever occur to me, to not go ahead with the surgery.  Without realising it, I gave up on what I truly wanted, and gave in to what ‘man’ would say.  Yes, it was my choice to have the surgery. 

After 15 years of believing, I gave up on You God, and took things back into my own hands without realising it.  And even though I accepted to having the surgery, (effectively saying “No thanks!” to You as the other option), You didn’t abandon me, or take Your hands off my case.  You still watched over me during the surgery, even rescuing me when they found complications, but a urologist was available to come and assist.  I thought I didn’t have a choice, but I did have a choice.  Because, where there is more than one option, there is a choice.  The woman with the issue of blood didn’t have a choice, but I did.  Even though I was anaemic, and I was on TXA to slow down my haemorrhaging (which didn’t work), I still had a choice, surgery or not surgery.  I just didn’t ‘see’ that choice, and so I ‘sowed’ into the surgery option, because that was all that I could see, but really I wasn’t seeing all my options.  And maybe if that woman with the issue of blood was living in my time, she too might have found her healing at the hands of surgeons.  And there’s nothing wrong in that.  She certainly sought out all her options . . . so I reckon she would have taken up the offer, if it was available to her. . . especially given the stigma of ‘uncleanness’ in her time that she would have carried.  But then why for so long did I feel somehow ripped off, cheated of that which I had believed for?  I don’t understand that . . . but then ultimately, it comes back to a choice that I made. 

And all this enables me to fully release You!  It releases me!  To be able to believe for ‘the better’ that You promise in my future.  How?  Because since it wasn’t You that let me down, that situation no longer serves as the example of how You can’t be trusted.  It’s not hanging over my head, invading my head space as a negative example for the enemy to use against You, against me.  Because it all goes back to my choice, which I made, that led to this outcome. 

Thank you for softly and gently guiding me to this revelation.  For not pushing or pressing it on me before I was ready to hear it.  For not overwhelming me with it.  But just allowing it to be a revelation, that would come as a release. 

Wondering what might have been if I hadn’t had the surgery, I cant regret or ‘wish’ about that.  But maybe the final outcome of my story would then have been more like that woman with the issue of blood.  But that is not my story.  This is my story.  And maybe it is this way because it will help someone else in their story . . .

After writing my previous post: ‘Sow & See’ I then got to thinking about that fading ‘See’ and that just maybe there’s a lesson in that for me.  But it doesn’t stop there . . . what about that cyst/blemish (in the pic above) at the bottom of the first ‘e’ in ‘See’ that I pick at especially when I’m feeling anxious about something, which then becomes an open wound. While you can still see it in the photo . . . I had used some essential oils to calm it down, and a concealer to hide it as much as possible.

For me it was the wound of disappointment that was blocking me from seeing anything good for my future. That wound distorted my perception of God.  I perceived that He had disappointed me in not bringing to pass what I had been believing for.  So how could I trust Him, and believe Him to bring to pass anything good in my future?  Why would I trust anyone who has let me down, with so much again?  And even when I tried to ‘let go’ of the hysterectomy story . . . it wouldn’t let go of me.  Because the experiences along those 15 years of believing, that were never realised, were now being highlighted in new struggles of today.

Diagnosed in 2016 with severe depression, (after my hysterectomy in 2015) I had seen progression in the healing of my mental and emotional health, and other things I was struggling with.  But at times it felt like one step forward, two steps back. 

It had been the same with those fibroids over the years.  At times I had seen a degree of healing, but then ultimately gone backwards and the condition gotten worse. 

So then my past experience with the fibroids, became what I feared would be my experience with my current issues.  And so I was always anxious as to if I would ever be free from these issues, because until surgery, I was never free from the fibroid issue.  How could I trust God to heal me from any of my issues, when he never healed me of those fibroids? And yet I have other experiences of healing . . . which I still enjoy the benefits of . . .  but they are somehow forgotten by this fibroid issue . . .

Many times I have felt like Moses in the dessert wandering around for 40 years, on what apparently should have been an 11 day journey.  “God I don’t want to be like that, in this headspace for 40 years.  What do I need to realise, or what revelation do I need to have, to get out of this dessert?  Because unlike Moses, we don’t live for 100+ years.  I’m 48 now, and I don’t want to be living in this desert for 40 years.” 

  • What’s at the bottom of your (inability to) see? 
  • What cyst/blemish/wound is there?
  • I wonder . . . what are you calming down or concealing, but not dealing with? 
  • A wound that maybe nobody else can see . . . but you know it’s there?
  • What is blocking your ability to see that which you desire to see?

Interestingly (or at least to me) shortly after this conversation . . . I realised . . . I had my surgery the week before Adore 2015.  I was there, drugged up to my eyeballs on pain medication.  And here I am having this revelation (releasing a whole lot of pain) . . . which seems somehow full circle . . . 3  VERY LONG  years later.

Sow & See!

It’s just gone the weekend of Adore Conference, the annual women’s conference at my local Enjoy Church.  The theme for which was ‘Sow and See’: to sow seeds (of love, kindness, etc) and see the results of our sowing.

So as is a recent part of my prep for church conferences . . . I went to my hairdresser (with artistic design skills) and had him shave the theme ‘Sow & See’ on the side of my head.

However, this time I didn’t factor in that the hair closer to the nape of my neck is lighter, and thus the ‘See’ while it just made it in the space, is (ironically) difficult to see, and un-readable by some.  ‘See’ kind of fades out at the base of the lettering.  One says “It just looks like swirls.”  Another can’t make out either of the words.  Some have to stand back to see it.  And my favourite: “It’s easy to see when you look at it from an artistic perspective.”

Sometimes life can be just like my head ‘Sow & . . . ‘ a big fat question mark.

We can sometimes feel like all we do is Sow & . . .  Sow & . . . Sow some more.  Only to be left wondering where is that which we desire to see?  And when will we see it?  And so our ability to ‘see’ what we are believing for, fades as a result of our discouragement.  We may even be tempted to stop sowing . . . but then the whole principle of ‘sowing and seeing’ is wiped out.  Not that our motive is to sow, so that we see (like we don’t give to get), but because sowing and seeing (reaping) is a principle, when we apply a principle, we can expect to see the results of that principle.

And so I wonder why is it, that for such a principle that ultimately has to bring a result, instead of:

Sow & See!  (with a bold exclamation point of certainty.)

Some of us instead have a:

Sow and See? (question mark mentality.)

And so I would ask:

To what or who did you exchange

what should be your confident declaration,

for that of (seemingly) reasonable doubt?

When by faith, we can in fact, stand in that of

‘beyond reasonable doubt!’

The me that I see!

When I wrote this piece a few months back, I started somewhere in the middle and continued to almost the end.  Then I started asking myself “Where did this all come from?” And so I worked my way backwards to what is now the beginning. Then came the end!

Why am I sharing this?  Because as I mentioned in a previous post: ‘Remember the Hoodoo Gurus’ … it’s especially for those who relate, but aren’t in a place to share.  Those who are maybe not as far on the journey, but need to know they’re not alone in their issue.  And then maybe there is also an aspect of my own healing that will come, as a result of allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to share the deepest insecurities of my heart.  Scary as that is . . .

While it’s not something I’ve consciously contemplated every minute of every day of my life, I am aware of a negative self-perception that has been evident in my thoughts, in my speech (or lack thereof, when I’m too scared to speak), and in my actions.

Hurtful words from the age of 6 that stuck like glue (obviously never fully dealt with, to be confronting them now at 48), and how that negativity has then grown to the extent of influencing and impacting my decisions and handling of situations throughout my life.  It is an example of how negative thoughts are like an undercurrent, hidden beneath the surface, dangerous, and able to pull us under without notice.

That’s not to say that I haven’t had good, encouraging, positive people in my world, because I definitely have, and still do.  But as the analogy goes, regardless of who builds the structure, the structure itself is only as solid as the foundation on which it is built.

So read this not as a ‘woe is me’ piece, or a stab at anyone, because it’s not either.  But rather it is an expressive piece, a spoken word (a ‘read word’ in this case) about my perception of my being (the me that I be), and my doing (the me that I do), resulting in ‘the me that I see’ today.  That which has been my self-perception, and now I’m on a journey of self-discovery, as I learn to shake off negative thoughts, confront my fears, accept myself mistakes and all, and their resulting consequences.  I’m learning to challenge my thinking, so that I can move forward to finding a bigger, better, brighter life path with a healthy self-perception.

We’ve all had a childhood …

We’ve all got insecurities…

A mixing pot of experiences.

Forming our personalities.


Low self esteem.

Too quiet and shy.

Always on the outside.

Feeling passed by.


Childhood taunts,

and teenage peers.

Words that haunt,

and all their sneers.

So despite what you see, your version of me, is not the me that I see!

I hate seeing myself in photos,

or that mirrored window reflection.

Yet I miss out on capturing memories,

all because of my own rejection.


For the me that I see is unattractive, with a big nose,

a crooked smile, and hooded eyes.

And the me that I be is not smart, somewhat naive, gullible to pranks, socially awkward, with a tremor to hide. 

 And as I stand here declaring my faults,

I’m secretly wondering if you would agree?

That’s all that there is to be seen in me!


But the me that I do … she follows her dream,

she steps out in faith, knowing her purpose.

This is the me I was made to be.

In spite of the me that I see, and the me that I be,

it’s the me that I do,

that gives me acceptance and value in humanity.


And yet I still wrestle with the me that I do,

Because it’s not fully accepted by you.

I didn’t choose marriage, a home and a kid.

I saved all I could, sold all I had, to do all that I did.


So against all the objections, and blockages by you,

I stood by my convictions, and followed them through.

Cause I’m answerable to God, when I stand at the gate.

How would it be … if I said “No!” to His date.


With a firm hold on my heart, Africa wouldn’t let go,

And with each step of faith, You confirmed I should go.

So I followed the dream, the purpose, and the call.

Yet nothing worked out as I thought. None of it at all!

So despite what you see, your version of me, is SOOO NOT the me that I see.

But through all of this I’ve held to some facts:

I’m integral, of good character, reliable and true.

Telling myself:

“Inside beauty conquers the outside ugly of you!”


But then the me that I ‘do’ was shattered.

A scar on my belly, a hope that was scattered.

No longer a dream, just a faith that is battered.


I prayed and I believed,

but I never received!

So they took it away!

I felt lost like a stray!


A journey of distorted thinking and bad choices.

Headed for some damning eternal dark voices.

I’m deep in the pit without an escape!

How will I ever get back to my faith?


Then came those words:

“That’s not what a good friend would do.”

And so the words that I heard,

With the outside ugly I knew,

Truth that cuts like a sword.

My actions had deleted all beauty through!


Without the me that I do,

Or the inside beauty I knew.

Maybe now you can see?

Just how ugly I be!


But God, as I’m looking to see the me that You see!

Discarding the negative I see in me.

Please help me to find who You made me to be.


You told me today:

“There’s to be NO  MORE apologies.

Nor any such feelings of your inadequacies.

Cos what you did, where you been, and how you see,

Are not who you are, what you be, or what I see!

So STOP with the apologies.

You’re on a journey of discoveries.

It’s a journey with Me!

You’ll see who I made you to be!”


God we’ve worked hard to make a new start.

And we’re beginning to see growth from my pains.

Changes that come with a renovating heart.

New thinking for my mind like fresh blood in my veins.


So I challenge you: Push through!

To believe for the future

For better times, a better you!


Don’t let the darkness win.

Because we’re all just waiting to see

When you stand up and sing . . .

When you boldly declare: “This is me!”

While there is the need to accept ourselves for who we are in the now, we are always growing, so there is also the need to challenge ourselves to believe in and ‘see’ the better version of ourselves in the future.  That’s why I’m loving the hit song ‘This is me’ from ‘The Greatest Showman’ as the words are about standing up in our individuality, making no apologies for who we are, and shaking off all our feelings of inadequacy.

While out having lunch with a friend recently, I came across a children’s book in a shop window titled “Can you see what I see?” by Walter Wick.  In the book description it says “Walter . . . challenges our minds . . . to discover objects in a mirror image that doesn’t quite reflect what’s really there.”

So to put a twist on Walter’s story . . . are there any ‘objects’ that you are ‘seeing’ about yourself, that don’t quite reflect what’s really there?  How’s your self-perception?  If it needs a tweak . . . then go on the journey of self-discovery, confronting any fears, challenging your thinking, accepting who you are mistakes and all, to then boldly declare with full acceptance of yourself: “This is me!”

The hair tie . . .

Three weeks ago I spent four nights on the Gold coast at a healthy lifestyle retreat. Three full days of learning all about how to be a healthier me.  Not being from Queensland, I had opted to stay in the hotel where the conference was being held, so as to avoid any transport issues, and just for the overall convenience.  On the first morning I got up and got ready for the day.  Enjoying all the little hotel samples I got with my room … shampoo, conditioner, etc.  I know … but hotel stays are a novelty to me.  Tearing the top off a little ‘vanity pack’, so as to get out one of the cotton buds, I left the packet mostly intact.  I could see a facial cleaning pad in there as well, and that was it.

Off to Day 1 of the conference … choosing my seat based on the location of the stage and projector screen, I sat down.  As it turned out, I was joined by 2 fellow nurses also from Melbourne.  Throughout the course of the day, we were ‘given’ opportunities to re-energize through dancing and stretches, and the result was a hot and sweaty one.  One of my new friends realised she’d forgotten to bring a hair tie … but with my short hair, I was not equipped to help her out.  So she got resourceful … and used her conference lanyard.

Day 2: I got ready, utilising my freshly provided sample packs, and went off to learn all that I could.  Being in conference all day, my friend hadn’t managed to find time or energy to get out and buy some hair ties, so the lanyard was employed again.

Day 3: I got ready, once again utilising my freshly provided sample packs, and went off to learn all that I could for the final day.  Today my friend didn’t take off her lanyard to use as a hair tie, but instead had managed to find a more suitable option in the form of a rubber band.  Not ideal … but it will do the job.

Day 4: the conference has finished and I’m getting ready to start my day … and fly home.  Utilising a fresh ‘vanity pack’ for the last time I tore it open and what should fall out … but a white fabric stretchy hair tie.


Ha! My little ‘vanity pack’ had more in it than I had thought, or even knew about.  I chuckled and thought of my friend …

In life we can sometimes think that we are not equipped to help someone out.  We look at ourselves, and are quick to assume that because of who we are (or who we’re not), we think we do not have what they need.  Because of my short hair, I did not have a hair tie to offer.  And yet all the while a fresh hair tie was available to me every day via the provision of my accommodation.

Sometimes we underestimate what we have to offer one another, be it support and encouragement, a piece of knowledge we have learnt on the journey of life, or a word of wisdom we have to share.

How much more could we help each other if we did not limit ‘our ability to help’ to that of ‘our perception of what we have’.  But instead extended our thinking to include that which we have available to us, which may require thinking and/or seeing outside the box.

By this I mean that there can be a significant difference between our thinking and the reality:

Who we think we are, and what we think we have

compared to

Who we actually are, and what we actually have.

Sometimes we don’t know just how equipped we are ….

But just like my ‘vanity pack’ … you can’t help with what you have, if you don’t know that you have it.  So then … isn’t that all the more reason to fully open up the ‘packet’ that is you … to fully explore all that you are, so that you can grow to be all that you were created to be … in order to do your ‘thing’ that makes you you, and as a result the world around you gets to experience what you have to offer!  And in that, you may or may not see and know all the ways in which you are having an impact on those you meet …

What’s in the packet?

Sometimes the packet is labelled with its contents, weight and value. And sometimes you just don’t know what’s in the packet?

And what if that packet is you!

Are you feeling like an unlabelled packet? Not knowing the content that you carry, and the weight and value of that?

Or maybe you feel like a labelled packet but you’ve been mislabeled in some way?

Your label doesn’t always tell of your true content.

Delve into the ‘packet’ that is you, to explore all that you are, and to discover all that you can be!

Remember the Hoodoo Gurus . . .

They say there’s a reason for every season.  So if that’s the case, then I reckon there’s gotta be something to gain from my pain.  Not just for myself, but to also help someone else.  So I challenged myself:  How can there be maximum gain if I keep it all to myself?

To share is to be vulnerable.  To be vulnerable is scary.  But then through sharing (in a safe environment), our fears are dispersed.  And that’s the triangle complete.  What we expose to the light through sharing with another can’t hold us back anymore.  And so it is: False Evidence Appearing Real is exposed for the lie that it is, and we are then able to Face Everything And Rise.

So as I learn how to be more vulnerable, to share heart and truths about myself, it is not to sound all ‘woe is me’ or to gain pity.  But instead, because I’m surely not the only one, I’m making the choice to speak out for that someone out there reading my story, unable to share their own story, yet silently relating to mine.  That my story would enable them to see that they are not the only one to struggle with that issue.  That they might find relief, be encouraged, and find the strength to get up and take a step forward, continuing on their journey that is life.

A little while ago now, on my 30 minute walk to work, I was thinking, reflecting, and contemplating my life (at 48), who I am, and what I’ve done with it.  I was feeling somewhat confused as to why I had such conflict in my mind between my feelings about who I am, and my feelings about what I’ve done.   So as I pelted the last of my steps along the footpath, in desperation I literally yelled it out “So God, what is my problem then?”  and I had this lightbulb moment where I suddenly realised (or maybe it was God yelling – not audibly – back at me)  “All of your life you have done what you loved.  BUT you haven’t loved who you are.”

Shortly after, and throughout the day as I processed how I came to be in this place of conflict within myself, these words came to me: a short ‘spoken word’ about accepting responsibility for my choices (realised or not), and my learning to prioritise (for the first time in my life) who I am, over what I do.  It is to be read as an expressive piece, from a positive perspective of one who has: had, lost, searched, and found.  I did an audio for you, to give you context of tone, but unfortunately it fails to load due to ‘security reasons’ which I cannot resolve. Read on:

In a world that is busy.

Focused on my ‘do’, more than my ‘be’.

Losing sight of what’s important.

Choosing my ‘do’, while losing my ‘me’.


All consumed by the God dream.

I found my sense of purpose in life.

Significance and value.

That ill perspective put me in strife.


So while I have fought my way back.

Finding my ‘be’, after losing my ‘do’.

The fight is now on again.

To guard my ‘be,’ whatever I ‘do’.



When you speak love for my ‘be’.

Only meeting to action my ‘do’.

Rightly or wrongly it seems;

My ‘do’ is more important to you.


I want to serve yet again.

But I fear losing who I ‘be’ once more.

I want to step out! Yes, I do!

But I need courage to walk through that door!


So when you speak words of love…

Is it only my ‘do’ that you see?

Cos without my ‘do’ I’m enough!

As I’m learning to see who I ‘be’.

How much more can we achieve when we are all about loving who we ‘be’ with one another, over that of loving what we can ‘do’ for one another.

When ‘being’ is the priority, and we know that ‘who we are’ is enough, our ‘doing’ (out of the truest expression of our ‘being’), will then naturally follow.

But when ‘doing’ is the priority, our truest expression of  ‘who we are’ may be limited (due to fear of not being enough) because of our perception that our acceptance is in our ‘doing’.

Prioritise your ‘being’, that both your ‘being’ and your ‘doing’ will be expressed in their truest forms.  As a result the world will be maximally blessed by both: who you be, and what you do.

You were born a human ‘being’


you could become a human ‘doing.’

Hoodoo Gurus was a band in the 80’s.  Be a ‘Who Do’ Guru for your circle of influence.  A Guru in knowing your/their ‘Who’ is ALWAYS more important than your/their ‘Do.’

Be true to yourself, and who you were created to be.

The heart of art.

“What a waste of time!”  I thought, as I took my ‘paper of effort’ folded it up and put it in my pocket to discard when I got home.  I would have preferred to discard it there and then in the classroom, but a quick ‘risk analysis’ in my head raised the unlikely ‘what if’ of someone retrieving it from the bin and it reappearing somewhere to my humiliation and shame.  But then something shifted on the journey home . . . and ironically, here I am now, the one ‘publishing’ it!

We had been directed to pick an item to sketch, draw, or paint, using different techniques, and to try using different colours to see what emotive response we have to those colours.  So I chose a copper cup, embossed with dimples.

I started with charcoal, then the blue paint, the red paint, and the yellow paint.  For the last attempt (with the grey lead pencil), an extra challenge was thrown in . . . to draw the item without looking at the paper on which I was drawing.  My eyes were supposed to stay focused on the copper cup, as my hand drew it on the paper.  And the evidence speaks for itself, I couldn’t do it, so I gave up on that one.

In evaluating my emotive response to each drawing, this is what was revealed :

The charcoal: I like it for the fact that I held the stick on its end, so as to see what the effect would be as I drew the base of the cup . . . and I got the sharp edge that I expected.  But I don’t like the top of the cup because the rim is out of proportion.

The blue:  I like the vertical effect of the brush tip I used to create the dimple appearance.

The red: I like the effect of the brush stroke I used for the handle.

The yellow:  I like the horizontal effect of the brush tip I used to create the dimple appearance.

In terms of colours, I don’t like yellow; in fact I don’t even know why I put yellow on my paint palette?  But out of all of these my favourite is the yellow, because of the way it turned out.  And so I learnt . . . that my emotive response to colour is not related to the colour itself, but rather how that ‘thing’ worked out is what determines my feelings about that colour.  And all my CrAzY yellow readers said “Yay! for the yellow.”

But another step further is this . . . the biggest lesson . . . is in the one I couldn’t draw.  The one where I had to stay focussed on the object, and let what happens on the page, happen.  I was constantly checking the paper to see what my hand was doing, and how the picture was forming.  I literally could not keep my eyes off the page and let my hand do the drawing ‘unsupervised.’  The end result was too daunting . . .   because without any element of control, I had no idea of how it might turn out, but I had already decided it couldn’t be good, so I simply gave up on it.

While I’m further along on the journey now, and it doesn’t seem as scary anymore, there was a time when I didn’t know who I was, or who I was becoming.  No longer driven or moved by the same things that used to drive and move me, I was somehow scared of the me that I was becoming, because it was all too unfamiliar to who I had always been.  There were things I could see that I didn’t want to be, and things I couldn’t see, but I so wanted to be.  It was a fight in my mind, for my heart and my soul, and ultimately, a fight for my life.  But fear had me in its grip, and I wanted to give up.  I was giving up.  In some areas, I had already given up.

Life is not always like that charcoal stroke, giving us exactly as we expected or hoped for.  When you’re stuck in the middle, and you don’t like who you are in the now, it can seem easier to go back to who you were (because at least you’re familiar with that person), rather than to push through to find who you were created to be!

It was during my own time of being ‘stuck in the middle’ . . . when one day while doing my grocery shopping, with the radio playing softly in the background, choosing my flavoured tins of tuna for work lunches, when it was as if the volume on the radio had been turned up . . .  so I could hear these words . . . which spoke so very true to where I was at . . .  and I felt like God was telling me:

That I see the light surrounding you

So don’t be afraid of something new

Cause I see the light surrounding you

So don’t be afraid of what you’re turning into.

No, don’t be afraid

Don’t be afraid . . .

Cause I see the light

Cause I see the light

Cause I see the light surrounding you.

 (Light surrounding you. by Evermore)

The journey of life is like art under the artist’s hand.  It’s progressive, it doesn’t always look like we thought, but we have to keep going at it, if we’re to see the end result in its reality.

And so I would ask you . . . what is your emotive response to your life?

If it hasn’t turned out (or is not turning out) how you expected or hoped, don’t be so discouraged that you give up because you can’t see how it will turn out.  Just because it’s not what you expected or hoped, doesn’t mean it can’t still be good, or even great!  So be encouraged to push through the fear, the unknown, the unfamiliar, to find the better you . . .


When you find the gold . . .


Today I had brunch with a friend.  As we parted ways, I was thankful for the time we had together.  It was good, encouraging, and positive!  But I couldn’t help but ask God why in a different time and place, a similar ‘catch up’ took a completely different path … with a negative impact?

I set my Google maps to take me to the place of my next errand, but while driving I got distracted, missed my instruction to “keep right”, and so I was now waiting to be rerouted.  I knew Google would reroute me, because the destination is preset, just that the journey to get to my destination would now be longer, due to my distraction resulting in an unplanned detour.

How much this is like our own life journey!

We have a plan but due to distraction in some form, we end up off the planned route, having to be rerouted.  But if only we would trust God more than we trust Google … that while the journey will take longer due to the resulting detour of our distraction, the destination has been preset!

Distracting decisions can be divine detours in deep disguise.

While we don’t always like the situation or event in which that thing happened, because it hurt like hell, there was great pain, and significant loss … we can (one day) appreciate the result that came through that situation or event, because it brought growth and change for a better ‘you.’
Even as I don’t yet understand it in its fullness, I can now say . . . albeit still with an “Ouch!!!”

“I’m glad it happened!”  (Steven Furtick)

In hind sight, my brekky today would not have been what it was, if not for the distraction and detour resulting out of the previous ‘catch up’.   While I wouldn’t choose that again, it is because of that, that today I was able to:

1) empathise instead of sympathise.
2) understand how it is, instead of imagine how it is.
3) connect on common ground, not be disconnected by foreign ground.
4) be able to say “I hear you, cause I’ve been there too!”
5) say “This is my story … “

And so I feel this piece I wrote several months ago is now ready to be released:

Found in
Struggling through
Discouraged by
Consumed with
God I can’t do this
Damaged.  Discarded.  Decaying!

Dreams stolen
Disappointment engraved
Despair overwhelming
Depression overtaking
Direction lost!
Distortion.  Distraction.  Detours!

Tempted by
Denial of
Played with
Burnt in
Scarred by
Depravity.  Destruction.  Death!

Rescued out of
Repentant for
Refined through
Restored by
Renewed with
Deliverance.  Direction.  Destiny!


Ume’s Story 


This is Ume!

Ume was a Christmas gift from a good friend . . . who else . . . because enemies don’t usually give gifts.

Anyway, before Ume was Ume, I thought out very deeply, and researched very wide for a suitable name.  Given that Ume has a space in ‘her’ belly for a tea light candle I did a lot of research on the word ‘light.’ My own name means ‘light’ but that would just be complicated and confusing with two Helen’s in the house. J So I looked at names in other languages meaning ‘light’.  It was a toss-up between Zia and Uri depending if my new ‘balcony mate’ was female or male.  But in the meantime, while still deciding on a name . . . I decided to light a candle in Ume’s belly and see what degree of light ‘she’ gave off, and how it reflected out from within ‘her’.

Hmmm . . . I immediately noticed her metal frame heats up quite quickly.  I know this because she burnt me.  And seemingly her beautiful and colourful painted exterior is not of the right substance . . . because I’m getting a very distinct smell of toxic fumes.  And so I quickly ‘snuffed’ that tea light candle out!  Thus Ume is no longer a source of light on my balcony, but a décor item amongst my succulents.  And that’s how Ume became Ume.

While Ume is unable to be a healthy light, she is an emu (and spelt backwards), a reminder that just as they cannot walk backwards (a trivial fact), we should not look backwards.  So I challenge you to consider, as I have been challenged myself over the past couple of years . .

Are you a healthy light to those around you?

What kind of light do you give off, and how is it reflected onto others?

Are those around you, burnt by your words or actions?

No one wants to be burnt, and no one wants to burn others, but we’ve all been on both ends of the burn . . . or at least I know I have.  As with Ume, the candle I put within her was good.  The intention for light was good and purposeful.  But in activating that match, the effect of the flame, heating up her metal frame, drew out toxic fumes from the paint, making the environment unhealthy to those around her.

Likewise . . . our intention ’to give’ to another can be good and purposeful.  But in activating that ‘match’ . . . the negative effect of any misguided beliefs about ourselves and resulting learned behaviours (which make up our substance of who we ‘think’ we are) can result in actions that are toxic to those around us, making for an unhealthy environment.

Now if like me, you discover some things about yourself that need tweaking, I’m not suggesting you go ‘snuff out that flame’ as I did with Ume.  But rather instead get yourself right with a new set of healthy self-beliefs and behaviours.  So that in shining your light, you can give out and reflect the good light in the way you first intended and purposed it to do, ensuring healthy relationships with those around you.

Negative self-beliefs

lead to toxic behaviours

causing unhealthy relationships.

And as Ume would say:

“I know I can’t walk backwards.  So it’s not something I try to do, nor do I need to learn to do.”

Likewise for us, looking backwards at past ‘toxic events’ is not helpful.  We shouldn’t do it. and for many of us, we need to learn how to unlearn the’ practice of looking backwards’.

Think Ume:

Look forward.


Walk forward


Be encouraged.

P.S. As of this day the 31st of December, (with Thanks to my good friend for her clever thinking) Ume can now be a healthy source of light in 2018 . . . with a battery operated tea light candle.

What about you? There’s always a way . . .

If you’re not already, then find a way to be a healthy source of light to those in your world for 2018!  Happy New Year ! ! !


Maybe it is about cleaning the windows …

My current apartment is perfect except for one issue … the issue of mould appearing on the aluminium window frames due to condensation.  My lease expires soon … and so for the past 2 months I’ve been looking for another apartment, as I don’t want to continue under the risk of mould spores affecting my health.  Damp rid hasn’t fixed the issue, and so I wipe down the window frames repeatedly.

But as I checkout apartments, one after another, they all have evidence of mould issues.  And apart from the mould issue, I’m also realising just how good I’ve got it where I am, in terms of what I pay, for what I’ve got, and where I am.

And so the challenge is:

Is your only reason for leaving, because you fear the risk to your health?

What if you flipped it and chose to deal with the risk to your health, so you had every reason for staying?

I’ve  read the lease agreement and it’s not my responsibility to deal with the mould issue in my apartment … I’ve done all I can do in terms of preventing the cause of mould (condensation) from continuing … so it’s a structural issue of rising damp.

But I’ve also been reflecting … while I’m preventing the continuation of, and the original issue is the responsibility of the landlord, no-one has dealt with the start up issue of the mould.

Over the years … those mould spores have grown as a result of dirt and  grime building up in the window tracks and then the addition of condensation … or at least that’s what the articles I’ve been reading say.

So who deals with this middle ground?  It’s very obvious by the landlord’s lack of action that he’s not interested in fixing anything.  So now it’s back to me … should I continue in my pursuit to leave … or is it worth my effort to try to fix my reason for leaving, in order to gain all the benefits of staying?

Earlier this week the following quote came up on social media.


It challenged me, but I didn’t know why, or in reference to what?  Then today after looking at more apartments that left me still looking … the challenge to leave or stay came, and the memory of the above quote shortly followed.

While it’s difficult looking for an apartment, every day searching online for rentals, registering for inspections, losing my Saturdays … the idea of cleaning the window tracks, and the possibility of still having a mould issue, is a greater difficulty.  BUT . . . today I’ve had a few light bulb moments:

“The essential oils course you’re doing has just covered the topic of how to eliminate mould issues.”

“Your new neighbour you met last week at the tram stop … told you how she had just cleaned her windows with a $25 steam cleaner from Kmart.” 

and lastly …

You’re equipped to fix the issue to be able to stay, you just have to action it, or you can leave. Your choice! You choose.”

Leaving or Staying

Running or Confronting

The choice is yours.

“Not my responsibility”

Is NOT a valid reason.

Choose the great that is to come.

By walking the difficult of now.

Are you leaving or Staying?

Are you running or confronting?

The choice is yours … regardless of who’s responsibility it is … there’s a choice to be made for or against the great and the difficult. But it’s a package deal, and one where the difficult comes before the great!

I never considered that I was running with fear … just that I was leaving the risk.

But it’s a matter of choice:

No difficult, no great.


Know difficult, know great!

Responsibility is not just about correct ownership.

It can also be a behavioural choice that inspires others.

If no-one ever picked up the rubbish that others dropped,

in order to create a nicer environment …

we would see the fullness of ‘neglected responsibilities’

that were never owned or taken up by anyone,

regardless of who’s responsibility it is, or was.